Ways To Wash A Window
by FullMetalCrayon
Summary: One-shotters of Team Mustang being the downright slackers they are. T for language. Open if you dare...
1. Vikings, Hawkeye, Fire and Windows

Ways To Wash A Window

Some ways I imagined Team Mustang slacking off.

So..enjoy!

**A/N: Fullmetal Alchemist..MINE! Okay not really. But I can dream..**

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><p><strong>Colonel Roy Mustang<strong>

_Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap-_

"OH MY GATE! MAKE IT STOP!" Colonel Mustang ripped the pen from Hawkeye's hands and chunked it out the window, but not before setting it ablaze. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

Riza smirked devilishly. Dumping a stack of paperwork on his desk that would put the Sears Tower to shame, she commanded, "Finish it by noon. Not. A. Minute. Later." With that, she stormed out of the room. She didn't even have to bother with explaining the punishment for tardiness.

Roy's imagination filled in the words left unsaid, causing a rather unmanly shriek to tumble from his lips.

"Well, best get started, then," Mustang huffed, annoyed. Sure, give him a rival army, he'd torch em up before you could say snickerdoodle. But PAPERWORK, on the other hand...

Roy pulled the first paper from the mammoth pile, albeit grudgingly. The paper got read, followed by a few "What does this have to do with ME!" "Whyyyyyyyyyy Gate, Whyyyyy?" And some hairloss..nevertheless the document was read and Roy reached for his pen to sign it. When his hand didn't meet plastic, he looked up, only to stop himself.

Shit.

He bent forward, rummaging through his desk to find another writing utensil. Victorious, he rose up, a lopsided grin adorning his face, until he noticed something.

There was a singe mark.

On his window.

His miraculously, cleaned, shining to perfection window.

A little angry mark burrowed itself in the Colonel's shining black hair as he assessed the situation. He belived himself to have three options in this time of crisis.

1)- Curl up in the corner and cry.

2)- Be a little less than insane for a while and return to his paperwork.

3)- Go beserk and clean his window, no matter the cost.

Contemplating his list, Roy paced back in forth in front of the monstriosity in question. Slowly, a smile crept its way onto the Colonel's face. Yes...

Suddenly he ran from his office, returning only to kick down his wooden door revealing his outfit. He appearantly donned Viking armor, his weapons of choice being a bottle of WOW! ITS WINDOW CLEANER! And a very..very..VERY evil looking toaster.

Because toasters, they just want to burn the world..

Laughing maniacally, Roy pulled a piece of toasted bread from the bread slot on his mental toaster and ate it in a mousy fashion. Tossing aforementioned toaster out into the hallway, He screamed,

"THIS. IS. WINDOW CLEANING!"

*SMACK*

"Ow.." Roy rubbed his head where it had made contact with the window. He had used all of his awesometastic Viking powers and the little mark STILL stood proudly, mocking Roy Mustang and everything the man stood for.

He glared at the spot on his window. "You. Will. Pay," he growled menancingly before retreating to the hallway again.

*Moments later...*

Roy returned with a Pokemon card in hand.

"SQUIRTLE, I. CHOOSE. YOU!" He screamed, chunking the card at the spot on his window. Unfortuneatly, no epic Pokemon sprang from the card and cleaned the offensive mark off the window.

*Take Three*

Throwing a cat at the window made matters worse when it bounced back and scratched the Colonel in the place where the sun don't shine.

*Take Four*

Don't EVER, and I mean EVER, throw Havoc at anything. He doesn't fly far.

*Take We Lost Count After 5,678*

Mustang banged his head onto the spot, weeping.

"Why." _Donk._

_"_Won't." _Donk._

"You." _Donk._

"Come." _Donk._

"OFF!"

Resorting to option one, Roy curled up into a tiny ball and screamed his worries to a bookshelf.

"I JUST NEED TO BE LOVED, YOU KNOW? AND THAT DAMN SPOT ON THE WINDOW, THAT BASTARD, HE JUST MAKES ME SAD! SO FUCKING SAD!"

Havoc watched his superior writhe in the corner, his look a mix of "Oh hell, what's teh number for the men in the white coats" to "Hey he might give me some money or a cig if I hang around..."

Suddenly, a very loud gunshot echoed through the room, taking Havoc's hair along with it. See, Hawkeye intended to shoot the door down, but Roy kinda took care of the door issue with his whole Viking thing..

Riza set her scope on Havoc. "Where the hell is Mustang?" She hissed at him, her eyes begging him to contradict her.

"O-over in the corner," Havoc said through a sob. _MY HAIR! MY LUSHIOUS LOCKS! I'LL NEVER GET A GIRL NOWW..._

Hawkeye waltzed over to Mustang, ignoring his stance or the tears that streamed down his face as he yelled something about "MINISKIRTS, ONLY MINISKIRTS FOR ME!"

Crouching down so she could be face to face with the Colonel, Hawkeye growled, "You. Didn't. Do. Your. Paperwork."

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><p>Edward and Alphonse slowly made their way down the abandoned hallway, destination Colonel Crazysauce's office, report written and in hand.<p>

Suddenly, Ed felt this huge breeze slam him against the wall next to Alphonse. He opened his eyes to see..

"I'M SORRY RIZA! IM SORRY! PLEASE PUT OUT THE FIRE ON MY ASS!" Roy screamed as he flailed, running full speed ahead and dodging bullets.

"NOT A CHANCE!" Hawkeye snarled, grazing his neck expertly with an unsigned document, leaving a rather nasty papercut. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T LISTEN TO WOMEN!"

Edward blinked.

"Brother...? What was..?"

"Don't ask Alphonse, don't even ask."

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><p>Yay for crack fic! Chapter Two was sposed to be written tonight but dear Gate I am tired. So yes. Cheese.<p>

R&R!


	2. Sharpie, Crayons, and Facial Hair OH MY!

Ways To Wash A Window

Despite me getting next to NO reviews, I'm posting this chapter because I want to and I'm awesome like that.

Don't own FMA, blah blah.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Edward Elric<strong>

Edward stared down at the strange colored stick he grasped between his hands.

"Cray...on..?" He questioned, testing this forgein word.

Riza Hawkeye sighed. "Yes, Edward. It's a crayon. You draw with it. Here, have some paper." She threw a bunch of voided documents at the confused 15 year old. "Now shoo."

Edward hadn't gone on a mission in close to a month and was getting restless. After making the Colonel set himself on fire (twice) and Lieutenant Breda visit the therapist about how much he hated dogs, Riza decided that the midget needed something to do.

"Yes, sir," Edward replied, walking down the hallway, evaluating this 'crayon' with curiosity. A crayon...

He plopped himself down on Colonel Mustang's couch. Roy didn't dare ask; his ass had been on fire enough in the past month, thank you very much.

Ed pulled a piece of paper from his jacket pocket and pressed the crayon to it. To his delight, it left a single, blue dot on the paper.

"THIS IS AWESOME!" He screeched, scribbling furiously.

Roy Mustang raised up slowly from where he was cowering behind his desk. There was the glorified Fullmetal Alchemist, sitting in his office, coloring.

And shouting to the Gods his thanks.

"OH GATE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS GIFT! IVE NEVER SEEN SUCH AMAZINGNESS! OH THANK YOU!" This all came out in a rather unnatural squeal, ESPECIALLY for Fullmetal.

Roy picked himself up and plopped down in his office chair, amused. "Yes, Fullmetal, that is a crayon. Ever seen a Sharpie?" He chunked a black marker at Edward with skilled marksmanship; it hit Edward right between the eyes with such precsion Hawkeye would've been shamed.

"Ngarghh. Owwww," Edward complained, rubbing his forehead. "What the hell is a Sharpie, you jerk?"

"It's a permanant crayon." Roy quipped, dumbing it down for the confused blonde.

A lightbulb flashed above Edward's head as the thrust the Sharpie toward the ceiling.

"THANK YOU GATE!" He shouted. And with that, he tackled Roy.

~Many Hours Later...~

Every soilder stationed at Central HQ left the building with their hood up, head down.

As Roy hurriedly sped down the hallway, trying to escape without looking, he ran into someone and they tumbled head over heels onto each other.

"Ooof," Roy grunted, grabbing his side when a gun had stabbed into it. Glancing up, he saw that the hood had fallen back, revealing who he ran into.

"Aww, Hawkeye, you too?" He asked, silently smirking as her face turned crimson from embarrassment.

"Yes, sir."

The untangled themselves from one another and parted, mumbling goodbyes and sorrys as they head the opposite direction.

Riza stopped in her tracks, smiling to herself. She glanced over her shoulder and yelled at Mustang's retreating figure..

"LOVE THE SHARPIE MOUSTACHE, SIR! GOES WELL WITH YOUR UNIBROW!"

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><p>Ohh, Edward...<p>

R&R!


	3. When Hell Breaks Loose, Sparkle

**Our Hell Broke Loose !**

Read teh crack. READ EETTTT !

Don't own FMA. If I did, Envy would be dressed in a pudding costume.

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><p>"C-COLONEL!"<p>

Roy jumped up from his paperwork, clutching his trusty marshmellow gun close. This was the first time Edward had called him by his title...something was up. Very up. Up like the sky, even.

Fuery popped out from under the desk with a radio, earning himself a marshmellow to the ear.

"OH NO! HE GOT ME! TELL-TELL MY MOM I LOVE HER AND-AND TELL MR. FLUFFLES IM SORRY!"

"Fuery."

"TAKE MERCY ON ME, I'M SORRY MR. MUSTANG!"

"Fuery."

"I'LL PUT ON A MINISKIRT IF IT PLEASES YOU!"

Roy stopped at that one. Hmm...miniskirts..

Suddenly Fuery pressed a button and the lights dimmed, causing the Jaws theme to come from some carefully located speakers that Roy congratulated himself on installing, even though he didn't know what a speaker was..

Fuery sidled up to the Colonel, blushing furiously. (1) "Look down!" he hissed.

Roy looked down.

FUERY WAS IN A MINISKIRT! "Not bad.." Roy mumbled, checking Fuery's womanly legs out. Much nicer than that big yellow guy he slept with.

"Oh my Gate."

"Sir?"

"I SLEPT WITH FARKING ARMSTRONG!"

While Roy fell into the floor, anguished and crying about jellyfish, Edward burst into the room looking equally terrified.

"MUSTANG! OUR HELL BROKE LOOSE!"

Roy jumped up, grabbed a tutu, did a ballerina twirl, and then became shocked.

"WHAT HAPPENED? DETAILS FULLMETAL I WANT DETAILS!" Roy slammed his sparkly hand down on the desk intending to sound manly and bastardly but really he sounded like a ballerina.

Oh, yeah..

Edward stopped hopping like a bunny for a minute and appraised Roy. "Colonel, did you give Armstrong a handjob?"

"What! FULLMETAL, WASN'T HELL BREAKING LOOSE?" Roy screamed, turning a funny color of tomato and changing the subject, like a boss.

"No! OUR HELL BROKE LOOSE."

"Fullmetal. Its 'all', not 'our.'"

"No, Roy, LOOK!" Edward fished around in his pocket and whipped out a chain and collar, engraved with the word "Hell."

"Aww shit..."

"Told ya our Hell broke loose."

Fuery looked outside the window in time to see a dog with red gleaming eyes eating the Fuhrer's nose.

"I think we learned a valueable lesson today." A mysterious voice said, falling from the light to land beside a still-sparkly Roy.

"Black Hayate! YOU TALK?"

"Nope. But anyway, I came to tell you something. When hell breaks loose...SPARKLE!"

The three humans went off to get hugs from none other than Alex Louis Armstrong.

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><p>Haha. I've always wondered about naming my dog hell..<p>

READ AND REVIEW MY PRETTIES !

(1)- Fuery blushed furiously. Get it? Lol. I make da funnay.

Till next time !

~FullMetalCrayon~


	4. Chihuahua Woes

Don't even ask. Like seriously, don't. Sorry for the long wait...I shot my plot bunny again. Whoopsie-daisies.

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><p>"I. Have. Thumbs."<p>

"..Thanks for enlightening me, Fullmetal."

"Seriously. Do you know how important these fingers are!"

"Yes. They make people turn into barbeque."

"Cats don't have 'em. They can't do anything!"

"..Yeah..."

"I mean, I could do alchemy without thumbs. But nooooo, cats can't even OPEN anything and they drink milk."

"Hmph. Fullmetal, I'm really busy, so If you could just like go catch on fire or something.."

"I don't even understand why Al LIKES those things. They meow, like, constantly and they drink cow secrection! I mean really. And then he's all like 'Aww, lil Tabby-Fluff wants to lick you' and then it puts its TONGUE on me and-"

"FULLMETAL!"

"..Don't gotta yell."

"Get. Out. Of. My. Office!"

"Nah, I'm bored."

"Go blow yourself up or do whatever it is you do in your spare time!"

"I'm doing it right now."

"..What?"

"I annoy people in my spare time."

"Get out or I'll throw some milk on you."

"You wouldn't."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would. Since last time I set you on fire, you starting BAWLING-"

"Shaddup."

"So, Fullmetal, ... get out."

"You never call me Ed."

"I know. Now leave."

"Not til you call me Ed."

"Look, I've got a gallon of milk-"

"You're all bark and no bite, bastard. I guess that makes you a chihuahua."

"Ed..."

"HEY! YOU USED MY NAME!"

"Yes, I did. Will you LEAVE now?"

"Gate, you're such a soilsport. Bye."

"Thank God.."

Roy slumped down on his desk and rubbed his temples. Really, what did he do to deserve this..?

"OH YEAH! I GOT YOU A GIFT!"

"I don't want it."

"Yes you do!"

"Not particually, no. Go kill someone and get out of my hair."

"HERE YA GO!"

_~Violence Not Appropriate For Kids That May Contain Lizards~_

'Sparky The Chihuahua' sprinted maniacally away as the citizens of Central glomped him to admire his beautiful new sparkly pink collar.

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><p>I told you not to ask.<p>

Thanks for reading!

**~FullMetalCrayon~**


	5. Yo, Blondie

Sorry for the lenghty wait.. I needed more crack inspiration.

I just happened to have a pixie stick...

xD

**Note: This contains Winry bashing. A lot of it. I don't hate Winry at all.. actually, I very much like her. So this bashing is for entertainment purposes only, please don't hunt me down and shank me with a pitchfork.**

Enjoy, peanut butter cookie heads.

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><p><strong>Chapter Numero Something or Other, I don't remember:<strong>

**Yo, Blondie!**

All was normal in the quiet countryside that was Resembool. The farmers were chewing their cud, the cows were panicing at the disco, maps were attacking small children...the usual.

And, as per usual, Winry was tinkering around with some random thing she found in the middle of Old MacDonald's field. It was all big and metally and IT SMELLED OH SO AMAZING~ so she brought it merrily home and commenced to poking it with her handy dandy wrench.

"Stupid unidentifiable metallic object," Winry muttered, chunking her weapon (and tool) of choice at it in anger when she failed to take it apart for like the 4,000th time. "What are you, anyway, you cone?"** (1)**

The wrench smacked the ground with a loud thud and Winry bent down to retrieve it. "Sorry, wrenchy!"

"SORRY? OH, SO NOOOOW YOU'RE SORRY!"

Winry blinked, because there really wasn't another acceptable action.

"YO, BLONDIE, I'M TALKIN' TO YA HERE!"

Winry blinked again, because she really was quite slow, all blonde jokes aside.

"..Don't make me snap my fingers in a Z formation!"

Winry started to blink AGAIN, but even the manga world was getting a bit annoyed with her mentalness. She's already like, bipolar or somethin', and now she can't even talk back to inanimate objects? Silly girl.

"Eh..are you my mother?" Winry questioned, cocking her head in a doggily way.

"No, bish, I'm yo conscious."

"..So, does that mean you're not my mother?"

The talking thing did a mental facepalm. Geez, this girl really wasn't the brightest cup in the dishwasher.

"I'll give you a hint: I'm cold and grey and you like to chunk me at poor unsuspecting folk."

"Um..you're..you're EDWARD!" She screeched, clapping her hands in delight. "I KNEW you'd come for a visit!"

"Look down at your HAND," the object answered, voice conveying that _I'd smack you all upside teh head wiff a spork if the author wouldn't get pissed at me_ tone.

"Ooh, I have nicccee hands," Winry cooed. "Nice, nice hands."

"I. AM. YOUR. WRENCH."

"Oh. So, you're NOT my mom, right?"

"GUR IMA KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT TUESDAY IF YOU DON'T HUSH UP.!"

"Somebody needs a hugggg!" Winry sang, clutching her beloved wrench to her enourmously over-sized chest. "It's okay, Wrenchy! We have each other!"

"Ima..suffocate..between..these..things.." Wrenchy wheezed, before taking control of Winry's arm and sucessfully smacking her in the face.

"Now, listen up, Blondie! I gots me a few things to say!"

Some music randomly began playing because this moment called for sexy dancing and music.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT FULLMETAL BRAT'S HEAD IS! How would YOU like to get thrown into a head of steel! Also, my name's not Wrenchy, bish. It's Edannequashia." **(2)**

"And ALSO.."

_"My name is Humpty, pronounced with an Umpty. I like my oatmeal lumpy.." _**(3)**

"NOOOOOO!~ MAKE IT STOP!" Winry yelped, covering her ears in a futile attempt to save her sanity. "NOT OLD-SCHOOL RAP!"

Winry bolted upright in bed, sweating horses. No wait, I think that saying's about cheesepuffs. Whatever. She was all scared and sweaty, kay?

She cautiously glanced around the room and saw her flying-dragon-unicorn-cat in the corner, laying atop a wrench. That didn't speak, nor move.

"Ah, okay, it was just a dream."

"What wuz, Blondie?"

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><p>Ling Yao was happily licking a riverbank when a strange highpitched scream echoed throughout his kingdom. He stopped, mid lick, and asked Lan Fan, "Dii joo heer tha?"<p>

Lan Fan looked over from where she was trying to ride her chicken named Nancy. "It sounded like a fear induced scream caused by seeing something shocking. Perhaps we should call someone."

"Naaaah," they said unanimously, going back to the respective tasks at hand.

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><p>Winry was found three days later, curled up in a breadbox somewhere west of Drachma, with a suspicious looking wrench resting atop her box in which one normally places bread.<p>

"So, Blondie, got any grapes?"

**~Fin~ (like a fish. I like fish.)**

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><p>Grapes are my crack. Seriously. Cats taste good, too..<p>

ANTIWAY..

**(1)- Cone. That's like, the worst insult at my school. I wondered if other people say it.**

**(2)- That's my right foot's name. Don't ask.**

**(3)- That song is the bomb-freakin-diggity. Go youtube 'Humpty Dance.' You won't regret it.**

Thanks for reading!

Nurse a lightbulb, drink a grill, and don't drink and drive!  
>(Do one or the other.)<p>

**~FullMetalCrayon~**


	6. Special Edition: It's Dentist Time

So, I done did went all up to the dentist and they wuz like "Gurl, you got some clean teeth. Here let me take this thing and try to SCRAPE YOUR TEETH OUT YO HEAD."

Dentists and I don't get along..

So, whilst being poked and prodded upon, I started writing this chapter **~Special Edition!~**

Cause its..A POEM~

Allow me to introduce you to..

Mr. Braceinface!

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><p>Twas a lonely little day up yonder in a place called Central City,<br>When a lonely little Homunculus decided to be witty.  
>"I'm very bored, and all my friends I've already ate,<br>So let's go to a dentist's office and set those bastards straight!"

Jolly old Envy journeyed towards his destination,  
>When suddenly a thought came to him and he yelled out in frustration.<br>"I don't look like a dentist," he realized, thinking a bit too late,  
>"I suppose I'll have to observe one, if I'm to set them straight."<p>

He slunk quietly in, because he couldn't blow it this time.  
>When suddenly, upon his ears, fell an awful, awful ryhme.<br>"So now I'll pull my shiny tools out of their sterilized sheath,  
>Because, by God, I can't stop now, I want to clean your teeth!"<p>

Curiosity bubbled and Envy entered quickly,  
>Only to find a child of five who was beginning to appear quite sickly.<br>The doctor swiveled around, and his jaw dropped to the floor,  
>"I'm sorry, little girl, but his teeth I long for MORE!"<p>

Envy stepped back and began sprinting to leave,  
>"Err, excuse me, but I'm late for something, I believe!"<br>The pyscho caught up in no time flat (Man, he sure was fit),  
>"That's not necessary, my dear friend, come in and sit for a bit!"<p>

Envy thought fast and came to the only logical answer,  
>"Back away now, foul beast, I'll give your children cancer!"<br>(He should've thought his threat out a bit better.)  
>"It's alright," says the man, "They're dead! Here's the letter!"<p>

And from his pocket his doctor producted a crumpled, rumpled sheet  
>"Its okay, don't be shy, they really weren't that sweet."<br>_Your children exploded,_ says the letter, _It's conclusive that they died._  
><em>But, oh dentist friend of mine, might you have a look at your dear Clyde?<em>

"She had the most BEAUTIFUL teeth," the man remembers with a sigh,  
>"Its too bad for this dear dad that I could only see them when she had to die."<br>Envy racks his brain for a way to scare the dentist shitless-  
>"RAWR! I'm a monster! Now you, like Hughes, are on my hit list!"<p>

The doctor laughs manically and tousles Envy's hair,  
>"Come now son, come quietly, or I'll strap you to a chair."<br>Envy changed into a cute girl (oh how he loved that form)  
>"Goodbye!" He shouts, middle finger out, and begans running up a storm.<p>

"Running, dear Envy, I'm sure you are beneath,  
>And anyhow, I mean no harm, I just WANT TO CLEAN YOUR TEETH!"<br>"I'm sorry to burst your bubble," Envy starts to shout,  
>"But my teeth are fine, as I'm sure you'll just find out!"<p>

The doctor springs forward, latching on to Envy's sleeve,  
>And, yanking backward, he captures him with a heave.<br>"Your teeth..they sparkle!" The dentist shouts in joy,  
>And sticks his finger in Envy's mouth like he's little less than a toy.<p>

Lust reaches out, amused, and pokes Envy with a nail-  
>"Hey little brother, (whom I'd LOVE to smother), you have an interesting wail."<br>Envy springs up, glares at Lust, and begins to say:  
>"Lust, go away, with you I have no beef.<br>"But Gluttony now..(Where is the fatty?) I WANT TO CLEAN HIS TEETH!"

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><p>Dooonnnn't ask...<p>

Just don't..

XD

Hope you enjoyed!

**~FullMetalCrayon..the one and only!~**


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